Madonna’s doormat, Guy Ritchie, works on latest flop butchering Sherlock Holmes

Another genre to be ruined and butchered

Guy Ritchie, director of “Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Snatch”, as well as a couple of other flops you haven’t heard of is beavering away on his latest failure. Doomed from the start, it is in competition with another film being made by someone who can direct, and be more than someone’s husband and son with a hobby.

Guy says it’s going to be serious. What? Were the others funny? I think the first one caught on because it had dope in it, no not Guy the weed. The second one sounded like a porn film and we all thought Madonna might be up to it again and show us her “Snatch.” No such luck it was a mish-mash of Tarantinoesque bollocks.

I think where he went wrong was thinking that Tarantino could direct. Now that one with Bruce Willis in it, it’ll come to me in a moment, no still gone, anyway it was out of sync, chopped back and forth. There is a version with all of the scenes in chronological order, it’s really, really boring. In fact all of his films except “Dusk Till Dawn” are really, really boring, and implausible, and the imaginings of a dysfunctional adolescent who’s read too many graphic novels and watched too many horror films and slash and burn rubbish when under the age of ten. “Reservoir Dogs”, just violence, he takes a lot of “inspiration” from genuine artists, the idea for Mr Pink, Black and so on directly lifted from Paul Auster’s postmodern book The New York Trilogy. Postmodern Tarantino aint, post-bollocks more like. “Pulp Fiction”, that was it, it’s an insult to that genre but confirms the inspiration of Auster.

Anyway Guy’s making a film about Sherlock Holmes, the drugs might help sell it, opium and cocaine Sherlock smoked and snorted, cool.

I’d need a sizeable pile of each to sit through it. Jude Law and Robert Downey jr are going to be in it. Enough said. Still we all need a hobby.

Dunce in Chief of The Metropolitan Police Dumped (Allegedly)

Sacked Metropolitan Police Commissioner

Sir Ian Blair, Britain’s most blatant allegedly bent copper has finally been sacked, sorry resigned for family reasons. Of course this has nothing to do with trying to cover up the killing of a Brazilian student De Menzes, or the killing of the deranged barrister by 11 police marksmen. No, not even anything to do with allegedly taking back handers for a contract that he gave to his best mate. Nothing to do with being really crap at his job either. No, none of these things. He resigned, he’ll get a full pension and he won’t get prosecuted for receiving corrupt payments or gifts. Why? Cos he’s innocent of course. And what will he say when questioned? No Reply.

Is David Cameron A Prime Minister in waiting? Erm, Not likely fella.

He just won’t make it. Several reasons for this. The first is luck, Gordon Brown has luck on his side, not much luck for the rest of us but the economic collapse of capitalism in all of it’s greedy death throes is a gift from God for him. Secondly Gordon Brown has no realistic challengers, he is the archetypal manipulator. Third he has the cheque book. Fourth David Cameron is a chump, he has to tell us he has grit, not likely. He has his best schoolboy chum as number two, and they both came over as nervous in their speeches. Finally, and most damaging for the Tories, Gordon Brown is an underdog making a comeback.

The Brits love a loser, especially if it looks like he could win. The voters can make it so, and they will. Cameron and his mate, George Osbourne, are losers in waiting more like. They come across more as Tom Brown than Flashman. We all know what happened to poor old Tom Brown - he disappeared into obscurity while Flashman had a dozen books written about him.

Chump Number One

Cameron was speaking to that fella who used to be in Rupert Murdoch’s pocket ( the antipodean prune ) what’s his name again, big red face, frizzy hair, err, ran the Times for a bit, on the tip of my tongue, no it’s gone. Anyway he was interviewing Cameron during the conference and he asked him how he’d make a good Prime Minister and he replied that he had grit. I had to laugh at that one. On the other hand George Osbourne might have. After al he said “tough shit if nasty things have to happen to folk for us rich fellas to make money, tough potatoes if you lose your house, your job and your kids, as long as we’re okay the rest of you can get stuffed.” Now at least he’s honest, and folk like an honest twat, look at Flashman. Now extending the metaphor, or perhaps mixing it, what about Boris Johnson? Calling poor old Cameron Dave, taking the piss out of him like he was in the sixth form common room, shouting across it even. You know the way those loud mouthed, my dad’s bigger than your’s and got more money, and me relatives are loaded to so LOOK AT ME! kind of tossers. Well that’s Boris for you, thick as a bag of spanners but related to God knows who. He reminds me of Caliban, clumping about the place, singing and yelling, but in a clever and smug kind of way. He wants Cameron’s job and that’s a fact.

Still at least we know who these folk are. What about the bloke who runs the Liberal Democrats, Vince Cable, oh no sorry, I mean the other one, you know, thingy, what’s ‘is name, the youg one. Going to cut tax for us all, legalise E, and have free beer on a Friday night for everyone, bring back binge drinking and fighting on a Saturday afternoon. Thing-a-me-jig. Good bloke, bright too.

Just wish I could remember his name.

Now is that James Whale or Gary Glitter?

I switched on the TV this morning, while loafing in bed at quarter to eight (with no intention of doing any work - except doing some yoga) when I saw a chap who I thought to be Gary Glitter talking to that Irish dude Eamon Holmes about folk not getting long enough in prison. As I woke up fully I realised that actually James Whale held this view. Now I used to listen to him back in the seventies on Metro Radio. He had this phone in show, one of the first of its kind in the UK actually, and it was really popular. It was on at ten o’clock and went on till two in the morning. Me and my mates would listen to him every night and some of us would ring him and rant on about legalising this or playing this kind of music etc.

Now he seems to be seeking to place himself as a generic Maury, or Trisha, or that other bloke on ITV now. You know what I mean, full of opinions that he knows are contentious and will irritate people. He always comes across now as a Tory with a big mouth. Whilst I tentatively agree with his views on religion I wouldn’t say I’m an atheist, although he says he is. I mean, how does he know there’s no God? Epistemologically speaking like.

My personal view is that religion is a personal thing, just like James says. But to slag it off is a bit like taking the piss out of Eamon Holmes for being fat, or himself for being bald. It’s offensive, this is where he goes wrong. It’s just as stupid, if indeed stupidity is the right word, to say that religion is a load of crap and God doesn’t exist, as it is to fundamentalise about a view of religion that a person (usually a man let’s face it) may hold. The point he is really making is that he doesn’t like folk ranting on as if they know best and that as such you must agree or they’ll garotte you (like the Spanish Inquisition - or Monty Python’s toe-toucher, sixth form common room “humour”).

But then he harps on about how robbers should be flogged or hanged (hung he said, it’s hanged though). Isn’t this sort of fundamentalist bollocks just what he’s objecting to? Just like getting a fine for not putting your rubbish in the correct bin?

He looks like Gary Glitter. How offensive is that? Tough shit James - you look like a nonce.